This story was published online in the Feminine Inquiry literary magazine. Learn more about this amazing local austin magazine in the link above or submit your own work here!
I always wanted to know what my last thought on this world would be. I haven’t tried to come up with anything in particular of course, but every now and then I wonder if the whole “life flashes before your eyes” thing actually happens. It would have to be a sudden death to trigger the eye flash thing, right? I mean slow drawn out things like my neighbor, Mr. Vealson’s cancer has time to drain and occupy a man’s thoughts for quite some time. I mean Mr. Vealson got to write all his grandchildren letters and stuff.
Like I said, I haven’t tried to plan anything out. I am in the stupid invincible mindset years of my life or that’s what my dad calls it. But moments before I was flung off of Trudy’s back, I cursed to myself because I didn’t think of my mother or my father or little Sara. I didn’t even produce fumbling mind vomit such as crap I might just die from this. I thought of Daniel Blake.
*****
I can’t say if it was dad or mom in particular that wanted to move out to Montana. I swear they must have just looked at each other and realized they were both thinking the same thing. I guarantee that’s how the two got engaged and eventually married, because dad sure wasn’t going to get down on one knee and mom would have said no if he did anything foolishly stereotypical like that. The pony desire never seemed to have shimmered off me like all the other girls after experiencing long horseback riding summers as a kid, so I was actually fine with the decision. I bargained for a potential horse of my own and the resounding, “we’ll see” felt more tangible than any “where would we put a horse Kara?” It was practically a done deal.
Thus, we were headed to the hills like long lost birds fleeing not the temperature, but the pollution and steamy traffic-filled streets of urban life. My little sister Sara didn’t pitch much of a fit. Her five-year-old fists clenched knowing she might have a problem with this in the long run, but for now her sense of the long term was warped. She put more energy in crying about the hours of driving to the new house than the actual fact of moving.
I wanted a horse something desperate. I helped wash the endless windows of our new home, hoping my sudden transformation to “perfect child” was seen as something more than the scam it really was. I didn’t even vocally upset mom with my opinion of how the new house was just plain weird. Only construction I had ever seen with stone stilts and wooden crossbeams.
I continued my horseback riding lessons from a place down the road called Blake Ranch within the first month of arrival. It wasn’t so much a ranch as constructed stables and pastures with carved mountain trails slinking up the mountains. Behind the building a broad wisp-clouded sky hugged the jagged peaks and stiff grass, all reaching to return the open embrace. The smell of hay, the sound of neighs and the grasp of freedom settled my explosive passion. At last I was near horses. I was near Trudy.
The first time I met Trudy was the first time I met Daniel Blake, so the instant love slashed with the instant contempt marks itself in my memories as too emotionally exhausting to remember completely. I believe Trudy was in the third stall to the right when I walked in and saw her blotchy grey body. We didn’t really share a connection at first; there was no nuzzling or sugar cube bonding. Daniel was grooming her, a summer job he had bartered from his Uncle, as I would come to find out.
The boy, with billions of tiny freckles caught me staring at Trudy’s beautiful grey mane and became startled. He had the whole hand to your heart, wide-eyed expression done pat. “Whoa, how did you get in here?”
“How old is she?” I asked. I could care less if the freckled boy was going to have a heart attack. My mom was naturally more thoughtful, “Sorry, to have startled you. Mr. Blake let us in the front and said to just come on back.”
“Sounds like my Uncle,” he said trying to rub off his fear.
“How old is she?” I asked again.
“Seven.” His voice still quivered.
“Does she jump?”
****
The ranch became my second home. So much so that Mr. Blake, a kindly gentle man, offered me a summer position. Naturally, I started as soon as possible, but I took the offer to mean his nephew wasn’t doing such a great job. As a 15 year old I couldn’t imagine getting paid and being able to ride on my free days having any drawbacks. But I hadn’t gotten to know Daniel. Daniel Blake was the drawback.
My first encounter with the boy had been a bad first impression that I would not come to reconsider for quite some time (three years to be exact). Although at first, I allowed myself to be wrong. I allowed for Daniel to be a normal, laid back teenager that I thought populated these beautiful mountains. I was wrong. Daniel was skittish and fidgety. And he was pretty terrible with the horses, especially nervous Nellie. Daniel would tread lightly, a soft reaching touch here and there and then literally jump out of his skin when the horses shifted unexpectedly. Imagine putting two scaredy-cats together. Taking care of a horse isn’t like counseling sessions where both individuals can talk out their concerns. A horse responds to your demeanor. I convinced him pretty quickly to let me do all the grooming. It would have been one thing if Daniel were nervous and quiet. I can understand introverts; I mean I was one. But Daniel was some hybrid being, both shy and talkative. He would find me replacing hay and ask all sorts of questions about city life, my family, the move, when I started liking horses. The list went on and on. That summer dragged on in awkward half answers and partial smiles. All I wanted was to work and ride, none of the talking nonsense.
As he became more comfortable with the fact that he could avoid close contact with the large animals he would stand a good ten feet away from Nellie and me, of course still chatting away.
“Are you sure you are doing that right, Kara?”
Nellie rocked her head up, a friendly playful movement. I laughed.
“See, I don’t think she likes it.”
“Nellie is fine,” I said.
“Where did you learn how to do all this stuff again?”
I sighed and like most days ignored his questions. “Blake, one day you will realize horses are not scary at all.”
“Who said I am afraid of horses? Maybe heights just get to me. You could fall and break your neck, you know?”
****
Suddenly, school was upon us like a bad cold. I tried to fight the back to school shopping so I could ride Trudy for one more day. I think Trudy could sense summer withering away as well. Her black eyes, which seemed extra mournful in late August, could liquefy my heart. Time rolled past me without any respect.
****
My life revolved around the chance to work at the ranch each summer. I somehow became a different being every June. Unshackling myself from Algebra and World History, I joined the other smiling humans of the world like I had been elected into some secret society.
I became comfortable with Daniel’s pesky conversations. I secretly enjoyed them after a while. He would ask about a certain teacher and after I said a few words noting my distaste he would join in on the crusade against teaching styles and protocol. Ok, so the guy grew on me.
I felt like Daniel would never change until one day, without me noticing, he did. Which annoyed the heck out of me because I like to think of myself as observant. He ventured off to Florida the summer between our junior and senior year and he came back five inches taller and three feet more confident. He started to date a cheerleader and bring her around the stables. Trudy was her favorite horse, which for no other reason than pure jealousy pissed me off. Slowly, Daniel had transformed from someone afraid of horses, to the horse whisperer, helping Amy (the bimbo cheerleader) saddle Trudy like some kind of expert. Actually, he worked with Trudy just like me. He was not just stealing my favorite horse – he was stealing my moves, my kisses and pats on her strong neck.
I had to confront him. An unusual occurrence because normally at school our language of acknowledgment had been reduced to head nods. I decided to corner him at his locker.
“What gives, Blake?”
“Hey, Kara. What up?”
What up? Who was this person?
“Your girlfriend always going to be at the stables, monopolizing… everything?”
“Everything? Come on Kara. She is just another customer. You just sound jealous.”
“I am not jealous of that… girl.” Gosh, I was really bad at this.
“Amy is not going to hurt Trudy if that is what you are worried about. We are just doing the tourist routes. You are the one who makes her jump all over the place.”
I scoffed. He was trying to spin this off on me. “Trudy loves to jump.”
“Just saying. Amy is fine taking her out. I can help with anything that comes up on the trail.”
“Fine.”
“Ok, fine. Glad we got that cleared up then.” He did one of his little lopsided smiles.
Obviously, I was a complete failure at any expression of true feeling because suddenly from what felt like out of nowhere I started to be not just jealous that Amy was using my horse, but using my Daniel Blake. He was supposed to annoy the heck of me, to criticize my grooming tactics ten feet away from any hooves or teeth, to let me unload about Mrs. Perkins’ unbelievably difficult English assignment. Sounds truly unbelievable, but I liked him. I really liked him.
****
I only had to grapple with my emotional turmoil for three weeks before Amy broke it off with Daniel. Then it was “she didn’t even put the brushes back properly” rant after rant. I hid any of my vulnerable emotional stuff amongst our venting. I was now labeled as the “saw the breakup coming” friend who could understand her true craziness. Truth was I hardly knew the girl when I really thought about it. But it was only right for me to join him in the campaign against her. I mean he had done that for me countless times.
He and all his freckles were available, yet I couldn’t get the courage to say or do anything. Graduation approached and the prospect of college looming in the future stalled any thought of pursuing him. Even the phrase, pursuing him, made me cringe. I had friend zoned myself four years ago and now I was supposed to just bulldoze the wall I had built? I needed a bouncer like at those nightclubs to give me a solid accepted nod and say “this way in”. We had only one last summer at the stables together. I was headed off to Montana State University to hopefully become a vet and he still hadn’t decided. My innards were twisted up like a rope. To distract myself I did what I always did. I rode out on the trails, nothing but the sun, the sky and the mountains to hear my racing anxious heart. I was literally galloping away from the panic inducing sensation of stumbling over my words after running into him at the stables. I started to ride Trudy more than ever and taught her more jumps. I would nudge her into a trot then enter a fast gallop. I was flying, flying, flying.
I think it was a snake or something on the ground that startled her. Something scared her that I couldn’t even see. Then I was literally flying and falling. And I thought of Daniel Blake. I thought in my last second that I hadn’t even told Daniel that I loved him.
****
I awoke to florescent lights blinding my pupils and whiteness blanketing the walls and sheets. Dad was the first one I saw. A tear ran down his check and he hurried to wake Mom and Sara, who lay asleep in the hallways outside. After many loving “thank goodness you are awake” came the berating “what were you thinking?”
Then Daniel Blake came into view. My whole body became stiff, and I don’t think it was from the prolonged bed rest.
“Hey.” I sat up an inch taller.
“Hey,” he replied. He paused and then broke down, “Thank God you are alright. I was so scared.” He looked at me with such concern. All his freckled were gazing at me. And all I could do was smile.
“Scared? You?”
THE END